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a journal.

14th September, 2007. 9:34 pm. there's still hope...

so this week has been good so far.
i got to hang out with my lovers who i havent actually chilled in the normal way with in months.
it was fun. arielle picked me up after school with ally & trav. we went to the bank to get me some cash. and yea it was good.
tomorrow should be good. unless my mom fucks it up.
thats one things shes good at.
fuck her. if she wasnt such a friggin' nazi all the time, my life wouldnt be half as bad.
but of course, i was born with natural bad luck, so everything that occurs in my life, ends up terrible.
but whatever, i still have hope that things will go back to greatness, and i will be at a never ending happiness.

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6th September, 2007. 11:16 pm. my existence.

yea. so i feel like i dont exist anymore to most of my "friends".
the only people who stuck by my side since i got in trouble are amelia, and amber.
so im pretty much done with those humans that i thought were my friends.
yea i care about them, but i hate being the third wheel, or the back up friend.
i hate only being worth 5 minutes of their time.
and if they're pissed at me, its just cuz they're inconsiderate && dont see what they've become.
i wish i could go back to the end of the year.
i wish i could go back to when my friends were people, and not just an addiction in the form of a person.
but whatever, im starting to find better people to chill with, people that are actually there for me.
things will soon be alright.

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26th August, 2007. 7:18 pm. psycho parents =/

so today was a good day.
until my dad came home & completely embarassed me infront of my friends.
grrr i cant just have ONE good day anymore.
yesterday i was in fucking DH for 21 hours. that was total shit. i barely even slept last night cuz the fucking beds there are plastic & so are the pillows. and the fucking cop men that work there knock on your cell door every 15 minutes to make sure your not smearing shit on the walls or going crazy.
but anyways.
i came home around 7:30 this morning after DH and i took a shower right away cuz i felt gross. that place is nasty. then amelia came over around 12 and we chilled. then brittany added herself over. and we sat around my house doing the usual. my parents werent home all day cuz they went to the vally city fair together along with my brother nick.
so around 3 candice and ally came over for like a few minutes. then they left to go chill with some other kids. and i told them they could come back over when my parents got home. so i call ally around idk 5 and i said my rents would be home soon.
but her, candice, and arielle showed up like not even 5 minutes before my parents got home. & when my dad walked in the door and saw my friends in my room he was like well i didnt know they were comming so they can leave right now. and i was like but mom said they could be here...and hes like well she didnt tell me that and we werent home yet so they're going to leave now. and i was like great i get off fucking house arrest tomorrow so i can fucking leave this shit place. and he got pissed that i said a bad word (oh man not a bad word!) so he pushed all of my friends out of the way and grabbed me off my bed and threw me head first onto the floor. so my friggin face hit the floor before my hands could help me out. and of course my friends got pissed. and they were like WTF dude. and he started yelling at them. and shit was nuts.
that was probably the most embarassing thing that has ever happened to me in my life. my dads a fucking dick.
but yea. for some reason everytime he does this, i get pissed, then start to feel bad.
right now i feel bad, cuz my dad left and is out hiding who knows where. and its my fault that everything in my house is so hectic.
grrrrr. oh well. when im 18 ill leave this place so that my parents can live in peace and i can move on.

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23rd August, 2007. 5:01 pm. =]

im happy now.
i added texting to my phone finally.
& i have a real ringtone! hahahaha
im so lame.
but its coo niggs.
today was alright.
i went to the juvenile shit ass DH place, to take a piss test and it took me an hour & a half to piss cuz i have a shy bladder so the only way for me to pee was to drink so much to where i couldnt hold it anymore.
it sucked.
then my mom took me to Panera bread, ive never been there. its good man.
then erin and matt came over, but erin left right away cuz her mom called. so me and matt chilled.
then amelia stopped over & they left so i could go to the dentist.
& i got my teeth cleaned =]
i gotta go to rehab at 6 though, which is lame.
oh well.

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22nd August, 2007. 11:40 pm. shit son

man. i just found out i have to go to court tomorrow for like idk. i think its a drug test. my mom said some kind of screening. which pretty much means drug test.
but its at fucking 10:30 in the morning. which means i have to wake up at like 9.
i hate shit talkers.
especially the ones that talk shit about every fucking person they know, even their best friends.
its annnoying as hell, get over yourselves you're not perfect, so shut up about everyone else.
ive been in the worst mood.
i worked today, and fucking al bitched at me the WHOLE time. not even kidding. there wasnt one second that he wasnt yelling, or making me look like an ass.
fuck that place. im quitting.
im happier now though. because i talked with ally on the phone as usual for like hours. its like a routine now. haha
tomorrow a lot of people start schoool. sucks for them.
i start monday =]
haha. but id rather start tomorrow, cuz 1. i have court monday and get off house arrest.
2. i want to get out of my house, and going to school to see my friends wouldnt be so bad at the moment.
i'm actually gonna miss brunswick now that i think about it.
idk if ill be able to stay at the career center.
but oh well. i have chemistry and lunch with amber.
plus amelia, pat, and kady are in my lunch too so its gonna be tight.
im going to bed now cuz fuck.

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22nd August, 2007. 3:15 pm. im fat

im fat. im fat. im fat.
mother fucker im FAT!
i hate it.
it just loooks so good all the time, so i eat it.
why? why?
fuck it.
im done eating.
and im going to do crunches every night again.
and take vinegar pills.
hopefully it will work.
or else im going to climb to the top of the tree in my back park and hang myself from it.

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20th August, 2007. 10:52 pm. whyyyyyyy.

why cant things just get better.
everything just gets worse as the days go by.
yea i get off house arrest in like 6 days.
but nothings going to change.
people are still going to be lame.
i feel so alone right now.
i mean i have some good friends that are there for me.
but i still just feel like im by myself. and everyone else is out there, forgetting about me more and more.
fuck them.
im already making new friends. people that make me laugh, smile, and feel good.
im sick of caring about people who could careless about me.
fuck it.
im done. im not going to stress or worry about other people & their problems.
i fucking hate everything.
i wish i could go back to happy times.
but whatever. im going to a new school in 6 days.
ill find new people there too.

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17th August, 2007. 12:34 pm. nigga

hmm. in 11 days i get off house arrest.
my life is going to be different. i can already tell.
i can't smoke anymore. it depresses me, but i gotta do what i gotta do to stay outta trouble.
i miss 9th grade. things were so easy to get away with.
and i regret that i used to be so depressed back then, over nothing. i was just a self conscious little bitch. i had it so good.
me & my pals would drink like every weekend, and everyday after school.
& i miss the boys we used to chill with.
especially scotty. idk why. he was just so fun to chill with.
and scoo. he was the shit to talk to.
weiner used to be in the gang back then. i miss her too.
gah. those were people i knew that actually cared about me. but of course, i didnt see how much they meant to me back then.
my life actually does suck now.
i cant beleive i let it get this bad.
ooh. my mom just called me & shes letting me drive myself to guitar lessons =]
hah. i gotta be careful with that shit.
anyways. wtf was i thinking. my life was so awesome.
now it is a peice of shittttttttttttttttt.
fuck it all.

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12th August, 2007. 8:24 pm. i dont know.

hm. so right now i want to die.
im sick of being in my house, or only being able to leave for 20 minutes, unless i have work.
im sick of having to be with my fucking parents 24/7.
i miss being able to fucking live my life.
i cant take this anymore.
i just want to take all the pills in my house and kill myself.
i miss going to random places, and doing stupid shit with my friends.
i miss driving even though i barely drove when i had my license.
i hate going to drug treatment 3 times a week for 3 hours a day. yea they say its a 6 week program. but that doesnt include aftercare when i will still have to go 1 day a week.
why the fuck cant i just make my own mistakes?
why do i have to be perfect.
perfect to me means hating my life.
i like wanting to live.
i hate wanting to die.
one day, i will leave this place.
leave my fuck ass dick shit cock blocking parents.
i won't ever thank them.
i could care less if they pay for my shit, and give me a roof over my head.
i'd rather live in a car than be with them.

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4th August, 2007. 5:43 pm. day 2 of house arrest.

fuck this shit.
i should just kill myself.
so heres the scoop.
i went to court thursday for that drinking situation, when my mom called the cops.
everything was going good. magistrate lewis [my judge] seemed nice, and was gonna let me get off easy, but then my mom decided that my life isnt hell already [ rehab 3 times a week, counselor, dealing with her] so she told the judge that i have snuck out a few times, and i failed a couple drug tests, and "shes scared for her life, and cant leave the house without worrying"
yea fuck her.
so i kidna interrupted her a few times in court, and Lewis outta know where blows up and says shes not dealing with me, and she was going to destain me. but then i started cooperating.
so i got verbal house arrest until the first day of school.
ID 21 on the 25th.
license suspended.
plus they want me to continue with counseling, and rehab.
atleast i'll see Chris Yanisek [sp?] on mondays haha.
so i bitched at my mom for about 4 hours until i got home after court. then her and my dad let me leave.
so i went to arielle's and her grandpa drove us to ashley kargle's. it was a "nice" time. haha
so i went home, and my parents decided they're actually going to follow through and listen to the court. even though i already got fucking grounded for 2 weeks for this.

yea. fuck them.
Day 1 of this shit was alright.
amber came over for like 4 hours, then her amelia and candice went to the medina fair.
so my mom took me and i chillled with them and won a fish.
[i can go places if my mom is there]
today, i was supposed to go to ambers in the morning and tan in her tanning bed while she got ready then her and whoever else were gonna come over and play with me.
but i got ditched. so at about 2 i went back to bed and i just woke up like 20 minutes ago. its almost 6.
now my parents expect me to eat dinner with them, and go to my grandmas?
oh hell nah.
i'll kill them before that goes into effect.

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